Bear In Heaven=Heaven
You know your child is Vitamin D deprived when she comments from the STROLLER, “why aren’t we in the sun?” as her parents pass through a brief moment of shade. Poor thing.
And then there’s me…
The sun was so good to me Saturday. Generally, she’s always good to me. Sometimes she makes me a little too hot, but i’ve missed her. I think i could handle being a little warmer at the moment…
So… Warpaint. Fucking Warpaint. Man, you ladies melted my heart and face off last night. I never ceased to be amazed at how much i can feel from a collective sound filling me up from the tips of my toes all the way up! Gorgeous.
I just finished watching the Baader Meinhof Complex (tied to RAF)… whoa. That was some heavy shit. I think i need to read more about this… Afterall, there is still a revolution.
Currently listening to: Bear In Heaven
FEIST - Intuition (live) (via Phatinum)
It’s impossible to tell how important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how they might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for them
And how you might have changed it all
And how they might have changed it all for you
Did I? Did I?
…miss out on you?
My name. It is empowering. It gives me peace. It has grounded me. It has encouraged me. It has challenged me. It has been good to me.
So here I am now, Bryn. My name is not a reflection of my character. It does not change the goodness in my heart. It will not deter me from my dreams and desires. It will not change the way I love. It is simply a beautiful piece in the evolution of myself. A story to be told over and over again. A life to be praised and worthy of shouting about from the rooftops of my soul, like the wind amongst the trees to high for our fingers to touch.
My name is Bryn. And I am lovely. Divine. Powerful. Worthy. Accepted. Adored. Believe in. Cherished. Wanted… I. Am.
To the loves of my life, family, friends, and lovers, your love for me is overwhelming. Thank you for creating a safe space for me to always and continually be myself, no matter what the cost. You love prevails with in my heart. In the context of simply and continuously being just for sake of being… your belief in me carries me.
Mmm, how your love is suffice.
As am I…
Here I go… watch me fly.
January 27, 2011 @ 5:16 am…
It’s true. Guilty as charged. And happily so!
And you’ll never guess what!? No, I still need a job right now, BUT I’m in a band! I have become a recent member for The Gays :) Ironic?
It funny how I have wanted this for so long to have it just land in my lap the way it did. I went out with a girl, where I met a dude, who just so happened to be a drummer (and one I’d seen play forever ago AND whom i wanted to talk to… about starting a band), who just so happened to need a guitarist and wa-lah! A band! And wouldn’t you know it, his roommate plays the bass with a guy who plays the marimba.
I will keep you posted on how the goodness progress. For “good music will prevail.”
I suppose this next topic would fit the title of this post.
Job.
What a loaded word. Do i even have to continue writing? Would it be worth it? Will I just be overwhelmed afterward? There are so many possibilities. Having one of my biggest fears being regret, I don’t know how I am still sane with all of the options I have; all the choices I can make… paths i can take. Which one do I follow? Life was much easier in the confines of my degree plan & adviser’s… advice. I knew exactly what was expected of me and what i had to do to get to wherever the hell i thought i was going. Where was that again?
Off the Map has done a number on me for sure…
I’ll have to continue this one later…
I just finished reading Girls to the Front: The True Story of the Riot Grrrl Revolution by Sara Marcus. Whether you know anything about Riot Grrrl or you think you know everything about Riot Grrrl, I highly recommend it!
It feels like I haven’t written in forever. Time to change that.
Things I have learned, accomplished & decisions I have made since the last time I wrote:
- Twinkies have beef fat in them. Sorry, not just the title of my blog, unfortunately. Not that I eat Twinkies… but I thought you deserved to know.
- Maserati’s Kalimera & Kalinichta (i have no idea what’s up with all the K names) off their Inventions For the New Season, change my life every time I listen to them.
- I got my septum pierced. I have been wanting to do this for awhile, but was a bit chicken and broke. Both of those things changed. Clearly.
- I love ellipses… I’ve known that for awhile actually.
- It is really fucking painful talking about things I have pushed so far down inside of me (whether that is conscious or subconscious), only to have them surface again… purposely.
- I really want to be a part of queer, female, communal, radical household. What this will look like or how I will realize i have no fucking idea, but I want it. At least, the idea of it is appealing.
- I found a drummer!!! I can’t even begin to explain how excited I am… and scared shitless! Anything could happen. There is a lot of expectation and responsibility that come with this. I have to make something of this. I have to. I need this… I want this more than anything. I want it to work. I want the sound. I want to be a part of something big… I wanna be in a fucking band.
- I am worth the best of everything. I am worthy of the best love. I am worthy of the best pleasures. I am worthy of the best tastes. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy.
Currently listening to: MIA’s Kala album
Currently reading: Girls to the Front: The True Story of the Riot Grrrl Revolution by Sara Marcus
Currently loving: Baked eggs with a buttermilk biscuit and strawberry jam, sided with a simple mixed green salad and vinaigrette (sp?)
.
I choose this morning. To simply be still.
I took a ferry ride just because I could. I had nowhere to go. No purpose in riding it through the Puget Sound… I just wanted time. Time to be still. Time to read and write… to listen…
My day was going to be perfect. It had to be. Because I started it off by taking care of myself. Following what I thought I needed.
And here I am…
(I started this post the Sunday before Christmas and am just getting around to finishing it)
That day really started off beautifully. It doesn’t matter how it ended. What mattered most about that day was that I felt at peace, if even for a moment. I was comforted by the unknown of everything around me… the people, the place, how the rest of my day would happen…
I was trying to finish a book called Off the Map, when I saw them. They were perfect in every way possible. And how ironic that I would run into their story as I was reading such a tale. I do not know where they were from and I’m sure I didn’t know where they were going any better than they did, but they were here… and I envied them. They were just like Kika and Hibickina, in my mind at least, and I wanted to be a part of their adventure… or maybe I just wanted the freedom to start my own.
My own adventure… What does that look like? I could do lots of things with my life. But what? Where do I start? Why have I not begun these adventures? Is fear keeping me from something I want to be, do, see? The Who has been answered. That is me. But the What, When and Where remain a mystery. I don’t know where to start. I think my biggest fear is regret. I don’t want to be 70/80 years old wondering “what if” or kicking myself because I didn’t do something I wanted to because I was afraid or lazy or whatever! I need movement. I’m tired of feeling like I’m just wandering around… I’m tired of it.
My own adventure… What does that look like?
“We all have our own borders. On one side is what’s easy, what’s known, what we’ve been told is true and have taken for granted; it’s comfortable here, it’s familiar. But the other side is wider than possibility, it’s brilliant with potential, and it looks like our dreams, whatever they are… Big or small, these are not the “dreams” we’ve had handed to us, good job/big house/new car—-these are real dreams, real fragile fledgling dreams, which is why they’re often so frightening. But they’re ours, if we can find them and hold them, if we can catapult ourselves across whatever border of fear or doubt or tiredness seems to keep us from them. In the end, the only thing standing between each of us and what we most want, is ourselves. We’re our own border guards. And sometimes the crossing is easier than expected.” -Off the Map
